Night of Living Hell

Since so few people really read this blog then I will simply post what is on my mind because I need to get it out, I need to write it down somewhere...and there is no light in my room otherwise so I must write online. Why not just a word document? That no one could see but me? With some of my deepest, darkest memories that I want no one to see? Because I just have to write it down somewhere, where I know it will be if I go back and look at it...it doesn't make sense to me either but I can't stop shaking as I'm writing this so please just bear with me and be nice.

Tonight my mother and I got into another fight. What a surprise. It started over something insignificant like always, again no surprise. It started with a mutual annoyance with my father over the bad habit of letting the satellite company just push him around and ignoring when I asked for a while saying it wasn't working right. She was going to come in and just check it out to see if all the connections were right...and if that had been all it would have been a decent night...

But she came in. And I don't know what happened. But she leaned on my bed and I freaked. I about panicked and picked her up and carried her out of my room and put her on her bed. This lead to her saying I was manhandling her. I said that was bs and that she had done far worse to me. That was still an understatement by any stretch of the imagination. And then it came. She said that she had never laid a hand on me. Never. This is when I about lost it. I yelled right back and told her that was a lie. A damn lie. And I went back to my room.

A little while later she came to my door, knocking and asking me to let her in. I just refused. I couldn't let her in. I didn't want to do that or listen to her...not anymore. But I did. Because she kept asking and she sounded so sad. This only resulted in her saying a lot about how she screwed up in so many ways and she was sorry. She also told me that me living with my father when they split was a mistake...actually not. I corrected her there.

Then she went into all these nice little fluffy details of things she said we did together that I can't remember. I want to remember the good. I want to, I beg to. But I can't. I was almost to the point of believing her when she mentioned an event that I know didn't occur. I mean it happened, but she didn't go on the trip with me. So I knew she was lying. I knew that at least that wasn't true so I didn't know what was...I begged her to get out again. She wouldn't. I had to go beg my father to get her out and finally he did.

I spent the next several hours reliving what she'd put me through all this time. Every thing bad she'd ever done to me since I was small, since I can first remember. I just I don't know. It just scared me so badly. I was visibly shaking. I couldn't breathe. I could not stop crying no matter how hard I tried. I felt like I was a small child again. I just..I felt hopeless and helpless. I can't even describe what happened entirely. I can't explain how I felt at all. I just know that I cried and I freaked.

Because of this I felt physically sick. I mean I wanted to throw up so badly. I wanted to and had to force myself not to. I hate that feeling. My head was screaming because I had been crying so badly. I didn't know what do to or how to calm down. I was terrified even though it happened years ago. But I didn't know what to do.

I meant to post this last night, when I was freaking out, when I wrote this....but I got distracted. In a good way. By a few friends, some of whom I only know online, but friends who made a point of trying to calm me down and listened. This is a very personal thing to me...something that I haven't told many. That I didn't want to. I mean I'll mentioned that stuff happened when I was a kid. I'll be light hearted about it all. I'd even admit some of it. But not quite like this. This was personal. This was bearing my soul. This was myself, exposed completely in a way that I didn't know how. It was like it was happening all over again.

This was a night of living hell.